I was relaxing on holiday in Majorca when I kept being pestered by this salesman. He kept promising me the Earth if only I'd sign this contract. I thought he was trying to sell my timeshare so I signed just to get
rid of him. Imagine my horror when I returned to England to find I was manager of a third rate football team. I've tried to back out of this deal but they keep threatening me. 
What can I do?
Yours in desperation - BL

Dear BL
That's a very very tremendously worrying letter you've sent me. But fear not. I've had similar letters from AD,CK,CB,AB,JJ and LM over the past few years and together we've saved them from this nightmare. All you have to do is to be as incompetent as your predecessor. It's that simple. Perhaps you'll have your family threatened by a bunch of unsavouries and maybe you'll have hot coffee thrown at you by some hired help, but then  they'll get bored and go and pester someone else.
Good luck.

My mother is a mentally retarded alcoholic and refuses to have anything to do with my father since she discovered he is a practising homosexual who has recently contracted aids. She is now pregnant by the  man who owns the corner shop and the Doctor says her heroin addiction may affect my unborn  half-brother.

Whilst inside I have been writing to a charming girl of my own age, an ex-prostitute with six lovely children, two of them blind, and we plan to marry when I get out and her syphillis clears up.

My problem is this - HOW CAN I BRING MYSELF TO TELL HER ABOUT MY BROTHER
PLAYING FOR STOKE CITY?!?

John Says :- This is a serious case that currently has John puzzeled as to what to do - he'll give his answer as soon as is possible.